"Should"

Somewhere along the way, my online life went from being something I was doing because I needed to do it in order to stay sane and connected, to being something I was doing because I “should” do it. And that’s a problem, because “should” is an inherently transactional thing which kills a lot of otherwise useful and enjoyable activities. 

That’s where this post could both begin and end, except that I noticed the problem of “should” cropping up in a space that hits a nerve for me. Because I noticed that it is also killing some folk’s personal religious practices, which is a crying shame.

Fishing for Pride

 “Hey, long time no hear,” he says with mild enthusiasm. Then he launches into an inventory of every minute thing which has happened to him since the last time I called…which was a long time ago because these life inventories of his are tedious to listen to. I can’t stand that kind of banal substitute for actual emotional connection anymore.  Oh, I understand doing it every now and then—we all have those moments when we just need someone to act like they care what paperwork we got dumped with this week—but time after time our conversations start this way.

This is what keeps me up at night...

Later edit: added just to clarify that this post follows an "in real life" event that I didn't give the background on because I don't have the strength to talk about it directly. At some point I'll probably hash it out in greater detail. 

I have an unwanted identity: an undisciplined, cowardly, selfish, irresponsible, narcissistic, lazy, awkward, and arrogant fool. This was instilled in me while I was very young. My inner critic carries the twisted messages of my childhood forward: manage your life perfectly in all areas through force of will and discipline no matter how miserable or marginalized it makes you feel. If you fail at that, apologize for yourself, but don’t expect the apology to fix anything—you’ll just have to make up for your mistakes by never failing again.  

It is an impossible standard that haunts me and follows me into everything I do. I have a lot of faults, a lot of “bad” things woven into my being. But even as I accept that, I find myself rejecting the notion that I should strive toward some impossible standard in the hopes of “improving” myself and “moving past” those negative facets of myself.

When does it end?