When I went before Sekhmet to thank Her, an image popped into
my head as I sat praying— an archer drawing a bow. The significance of that
didn’t strike me until much later, but I eventually recalled something I had
heard from Them in a quiet moment several years ago:
We can guide an arrow, but the archer must draw the bow.
The point was well taken: if I lounge in self-pity and inaction,
there is nothing They can do to help me*. My medical problems weren’t on their
way to being dealt with until I started Googling doctors and making calls. She
led me to the healer I needed, but I had to start walking in order to make
sense of the map. I kicked myself for
waiting and moved on with things, resolving not to wait so long before acting
in the future, but the image didn’t go away and I slowly realized that I had
made that promise before. Something was keeping me from taking action not just
in this but in a host of other issues...
I’d have just chalked it up to laziness
or procrastination or cowardly fear but berating myself doesn’t seem to make a
difference and in any case, I wasn’t getting any positive feedback from Them as
confirmation when proposing any of those causes—They weren’t telling me to get
off my ass and get moving…They were hinting that there was more to it, that
there was something deeper here that needed to be addressed. And Sekhmet’s
voice was still echoing through me.
You must end this. It is getting in your way; it is keeping
you from your life.
Maybe there were layers of meaning to that…It wasn’t until I was responding to a PM earlier this evening that the
light bulb went on.
Shame.
Shame is the reason for the hesitation. Shame is the reason
for the endless painful waiting. Shame is the reason for looking the other way
and trying to pretend nothing is wrong.
Shame is a barrier emotion to action. It paralyzes—that’s its
true purpose. And to be clear, when I say “shame” I mean that horrible face burning,
stomach churning sense that one is somehow unworthy or broken…it’s the part of
the heart that says “I am a bad person because of X”. That is clear and
distinct from guilt, which is the feeling of needing to make amends for
something one has done. Guilt is painful too, but in a constructive way I
think, because it leads to action instead of away from it. Shame serves no
purpose other than to shut us down and shut us up. It isn’t helpful.
And it’s largely social. It’s inflicted by the world around
us until it’s eventually internalized. And I realized that I’ve heard all of
this before somewhere… and then I remembered I saw a TED video once where a
woman named Brene Brown spoke about vulnerability and then had a follow-up
video on Shame:
This woman has written a book about this. Downloading from Kindle
and starting it tonight I found this:
“Along with many other shame researchers, I’ve come to the conclusion that shame is much more likely to be the source of destructive behaviors than it is to be the solution. It is human nature to want to feel affirmed and valued. When we experience shame we feel disconnected and desperate for belonging and recognition. It’s when we feel shame or fear of shame that we are more likely to engage in self-destructive behaviors, to attack or humiliate others or to stay quiet when we see someone who needs our help.
On the other hand, when we apologize for something we’ve done, make amends to others or change a behavior that we don’t feel good about, guilt is most often the motivator. Recognizing we’ve made a mistake is far different than believing we are a mistake.”**
Yes. THIS. This is where the wound really is.
Now the work begins. Because
nothing in my life is going to change, none of my goals, none of those targets
are going to be hit until I can make myself strong enough to keep drawing the
bow. Not just in this, but in everything.
----
*This also confirms She was the one who said that originally,
and thus, was with me as early as 2009 though I didn’t recognize Her voice at
the time. Hearing Her now and comparing the “tone” to what I remember it was
unmistakably Her.
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