A Meditation on Being Genuine

I am afraid of being alone.
I am afraid of not being good enough to deserve connecting with others.

There are a million fears in the world, but this is the one which keeps me awake in the predawn hours. This is why it is so hard sometimes, to be genuine, because it means being vulnerable in the face of this fear. But without being genuine, there is no real connection with others, and so I am forced to sometimes be brave, if only because my fear demands it. (How ironic.)

I have strived to be genuine on this blog. It helps that my name is not on it—but even then, the chance that someone might find it and link it to me, even just knowing that there are people reading it… I pause before clicking “publish” and wonder: have I said anything which might make me unworthy? I click anyway, and I rarely change what I had prepared to post for any reason but to clarify meaning.

Because the question of worthiness is an insidious one—as if I could change what was genuine in me, what I am at my core, to suit someone else. If I could not do that much for my mother, whom I loved more than I can fully express, then I certainly cannot do that for an audience unknown to me.

There is a purpose to what I do here: I am trying hard to believe that I am worthy already. I am trying hard to believe that those who matter can see my worth and deserve nothing less than my most unadulterated genuineness.  For me, this blog is an exercise in courage.

I dream of a day when I have enough of that courage to be as genuine in life as I am in this space.