Dreams of my mother

I dreamed about her last night and a fairly painful and intensely personal conversation with her followed at my waking. Something is already different—I could feel it in her response. It’s like she’s just now realized she needs to address these things with me and wants to before she finishes her journey. I can’t decide if keeping it from her in her final days, if pretending that nothing was wrong between us, was a merciful decision or a cruel one. I can’t decide if I did that on her behalf or on mine. I wanted to retroactively fix the relationship we’d had all my life by simply deciding it no longer mattered.

Her memorial is today, a few hours from now, and this is not how I intended to go to it—thinking from this place in my mind. I’m dressed up in newly purchased clothes. Because this has been billed as “a celebration of life” and the only dressy clothes I had already were black and that seemed inappropriate to the spirit of this gathering. Blue and white. That’s what I will attend in. The clothes are a bit too small for me (small town shopping is a bitch if you’re a 4x like I am) and I have to wear a slimmer underneath to look right in them. I put them on a few hours before so I could hopefully stretch them out a bit and assure myself that they won’t break in the middle of the event.

It’s all so mundane and so catered to what other people want and think. I’m always so worried about whether or not I’m doing everything “right”. Did I dress right? Did I send invitations to everyone I was supposed to? Did I pick the right colors for the flowers? Is my necklace too flashy? Should I wear a necklace at all or go without jewelry?

If I had my way I’d grieve alone at the base of the shrine, just crying and wishing I understood things better. No other people required.

Was I supposed to do that already? Is this supposed to be closure? For who? Me or them?

For better or for worse, it was my mother who taught me to ask these questions. I have spent my life trying to please her, alternately getting angry at her or myself when I couldn’t. She tried so hard to make me what she wanted me to be and I’m just not that. But I managed to fool her near the end…

Is that why I’m having these dreams? Did she find out and now she’s disappointed again? In me or in herself?

I went to a family event at my best friend’s house yesterday. I watched her and her mother as they tried to be calm with each other for the day and not argue. It lasted for most of the time but eventually they bickered a bit because they just can’t help driving each other crazy. Yet…it’s undeniable that they love each other deeply.

So…it’s okay mom. It’s okay that we didn’t always get along. It’s okay that we’re not carbon copies of each other. It’s okay that we had the relationship we did. And we’ll figure out how to go on from here together. I don’t know if you can sense the injuries I limp along with, the damage inside me, but if there’s anything I’ve learned, it’s that the flaws and baggage we carry are what make us human. You didn’t do anything to me that every mother hasn’t done to her child. I’m strong enough to see this through.

Love you always.