“You play madness like it’s convenient, you do it so often that you start to believe it, you have demons so nobody can blame you, but who is the master and who is the slave?” --lyric from Voices by Madonna
I have been diagnosed, at different times in my life, with all of the following: General Anxiety Disorder, Bi-polar Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Social Phobia, Seasonal Affective Disorder (SADs), and Insomnia. I have come to the conclusion, however, that I have none of those things.
See, the truth is that Psychology, for all its advances and accomplishments, is still an imperfect science— particularly when it comes to our diagnostic tools. Because no one expects a patient to manifest every symptom on the checklist for a given disorder, a diagnosis can be made even if some crucial components are missing as long as enough other relevant behaviors are present. Usually, it is still sufficient enough to be more or less accurate. But if those relevant behaviors are the more generalized sort which could apply to multiple disorders and therefore allow for dual diagnosis, it muddies the water and makes separating psychotic behaviors from non-psychotic behaviors difficult.
For example, here are the major symptoms I have been manifesting for most of my life which led to my various diagnosis:
a.) Preoccupation with systematizing and organizing self and environment, also preoccupied with cleanliness and has “scathingly perfectionist” standards for self (Led to OCD diagnosis)
b.) Difficultly falling and staying asleep, frequent waking due to unusually vivid dreams, and abnormally short sleep cycles (Led to Insomnia diagnosis and contributes to Anxiety Disorder diagnosis and my two depression related diagnosis)
c.) Oversensitivity to emotional stimulus and unusually intense emotional reactions to things like news articles, television programming, movies, etc… also tends to allow the emotions of others to become part of own emotional experience (because this typically ends in bouts of worrying, stress and/or crying, it often gets lumped into my Anxiety Disorder diagnosis, SADs or Bi-Polar diagnosis)
d.) Frequent periods of high energy and activity interspersed with equally frequent periods of lethargy and depression, typically leaning more toward over-activity in the summer months and prolonged depressions during winter months (Led to both the Bi-polar and SADs diagnosis—I got both because of a difference of opinion between two therapists)
e.) Extreme sensitivity to noise, light, temperature, textures, and minor discomforts (such as the itching of a shirt tag) and difficulty focusing on tasks when exposed to said stimuli (most of my therapists have had trouble with this one because it doesn’t fit any of the profiles but usually attribute it to Anxiety Disorder or OCD)
f.) Difficulty forming and maintaining relationships with others, leading to avoidance of most social situations and a relatively small social network (the primary reason for the Social Phobia diagnosis but also contributes to the Bi polar diagnosis and occasionally to the Anxiety diagnosis as well)
To be fair, many of these things do look an awful lot like psychological disorders, but if you read that list carefully, you’ll find that none of my most major “symptoms” perfectly fulfill the diagnosis ultimately ascribed…
OCD: I don’t have any of the checking, counting, or ritualistic behaviors common to OCD nor the typical intrusive and upsetting thoughts that create those compulsions—preoccupation and obsession are not equivalent terms, though this is often ignored in the diagnostic process.
Insomnia: Despite my unusual sleep schedule, I only exhibit symptoms of sleep deprivation when I have chosen not to sleep at a time when I wanted to… which suggests that my sleep cycle may not be as messed up as it appears. Also, the amount I get is still clinically viable despite not being the average for a person my age.
Generalized Anxiety: Anxiety is a normal reaction of the human mind/body to stress. One of the key components of what constitutes an anxiety disorder is the unrealistic nature of the fears/worries. As even my own therapist pointed out, I have had good reasons to be stressed out during all of the periods where I manifested symptoms of anxiety disorder.
SADs: This is easy to discount because special lights make no difference and the “winter time” timing of my depressions is inconsistent at best.
Bi-Polar: I have had legitimate depressions, all of which were situational in nature. The others have been mostly existential depressions. Neither of these varieties fits the sudden unprovoked mood swings characteristic of Bi-Polar Disorder, though existential depressions can come on very quickly and look like a sudden shift in mood. By the same token, my “manic” episodes don’t quite fit the norm either—they are typically short and almost always related to/follow on the heels of new academic fascinations, new hobbies, transcendental religious experiences, and creative projects—and while my behaviors during those episodes may be seen by others as “excessively” driven and over-confident, they rarely interfere with my regular life in any meaningful way and have few negative consequences. (On a related note—sensitivity isn’t and never has been a symptom of depression…the sooner we can get rid of that myth, the better)
Social Phobia: This is justified. I spent my entire childhood socially isolated and mercilessly teased and my adolescence being that awkward kid who was trying desperately to catch up on my social development. I’ve had enough experiences to be distrusting of people in general and especially of people I don’t know well. That said, I also have no problem putting on a smile and acting the part of a socially functional adult—even if I don’t always nail the role— which doesn’t seem right for a supposed “phobia”. Yes, doing that little song and dance makes me feel stressed out, but not enough to stop me from doing things I need to do. I avoid parties but not business meetings.
In layman’s terms: I don’t have any disorders. But for the better part of my life I have been willing to let others put those labels on me and I have parroted them faithfully because it is the easier way to live. I get support and accommodations and people point and smile and say “Look how well she is doing in spite of her disability…” And I have recently realized that this is a sham and that a lot of my guilt stems from letting others continue to believe in it.
It took a long time for me to realize that. Because when you say something often enough it becomes your reality and my reality became illness as soon as I consented to let that be the reason I was so “different” and had so many problems. The label becomes a spell, a powerful heka that limits and constrains and cripples. It’s a subversive magic that striped away the memory of what I was before the label was applied and rewrote my history to fit the new reality. And the only way to undo the heka of a false history is remember the real one. And the only way to undo the heka of a wrong label is to counter it with the heka of a correct label.
I am not an OCD, SAD, Bi-Polar Insomniac with a Social Phobia.
I am a gifted adult.
I realize that the seeming abruptness of that switch needs some explaining, which is why this post is just the introduction to series of posts on what I mean by that statement and how I got from one to the other.
And yes, this is the core issue involved in my recent existential crisis and resulting restructuring and is the reason it's taking so long: reframing an entire lifetime is no small task. I’m chronicling this here on the blog (despite its intensely personal nature) because throughout this effort, reading the stories of others has helped me reframe my own and if I can contribute in some small way to the potential for others tor re-frame their stories simply by telling mine, it will be worth the emotional risk of the disclosure.
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