I should know by now that the turn around on divine arguments is not long...

Just wanted to see if you really mean it. 

So the point of that was to make sure I actually made the decision and wasn’t just going along with it because I felt I had to when you didn’t tell me no? Is this is more of that “you have to make your own decisions and quit relying on oracles” thing we’ve been working on?

Close. But also: I’m still here. Don’t ignore me.
-------
I am always surprised by how pleased he is when I get mad at him. Like he enjoys seeing me get pissed and stand up and tell him off. I think he likes when he pushes and I manage to come up with the strength to push back. That’s not how society raised me to think of deity and I find it is hard to shake my western preconceptions in that regard.

Fine, fine. I get it.

He’s not going to tell me whether he’ll show up or not because easing the anxiety would defeat the purpose of a “rite of passage” in the first place. This is more about maintaining doubt and not falling to either side of the line until after the moment has come. And regardless of how the RPD alters the future of my religious practice, it does nothing to change my past.

There is an old song I learned in girl scouts: “Make new friends, but keep the old/one is silver, and the other’s gold/a circle is round, it has no end/ that’s how long, you should keep your friends.”

A simple lesson lost with age. Part of this will mean remembering that whether he created me or not—he made me. He molded me through his influence, and at times, interference, in my life.  He was the one who got me ready to make this decision in the first place. His work with me is the reason I am strong enough to accept any Name that comes up—even if it’s his.

That statue isn’t going anywhere. The only thing the RPD would influence in that regard is where I might end up putting it—the main shrine or a separate one built just for him (he pointed out that if I rearrange my entire apartment it would be possible to have more than one). Even if he’s not in my line up, the RPD won’t negate my obligations to him, it will just add to the number of obligations I have overall and alter the order of priority that I give them. This is not an all or nothing thing. And I know that—gods know it’s been said enough times in the beginner’s class. But apparently, I still needed to put it in order with my personal experience and make it coherent in the context of my individual journey.

So there you have it: I’ve gone from fearing he wouldn’t be there, to accepting he wouldn’t, to angry that he still might, to okay-I-give-up-I’ll-just-wait-and-see…which is probably where I needed to be in the first place…which he probably knew all along…

----
Birthday. I get offerings… and ritual. 

Do I have to read the silly part where they talk about your testicles?

*expectant stare*

Sigh.